I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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