WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
