I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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