I hate all girls vehemently.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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