woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Even my vagina gasped.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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