Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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