hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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