im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
