i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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