How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
