Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
