...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
