highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
