True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
