If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
