just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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