Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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