So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
