im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
