Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Green mimosas i think yes
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
