omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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