so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
