Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Who wears a wallet chain?!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
