Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
