This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
