i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
