Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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