We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
