Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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