you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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