In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
its liver damage thursday
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
