Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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