when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
