theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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