why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
