tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I will be naked everywhere
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
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