I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
