My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
