well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
