I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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