I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
