Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
