my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
