I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
