If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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