Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
