I think my fart just growled at me.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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