life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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