cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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