No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
