Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
