yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
