I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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