3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
