chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
