i wish there were pregnant emoticons
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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