**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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